I’m a career-oriented woman who fully enjoys getting out there and taking care of business, which essentially manifests itself in my thorough/semi-obsessive ways of handling career, education, and money matters (ie paying bills as soon as they arrive, keeping tabs on finances, etc.). My husband is a more artsy type who earns way less money than I do and doesn’t make finances/career his priority in life. Things haven’t always been this way - there were days when we were both young and adventurous and couldn’t care less about our bank account balance. However, time has passed, and it seems as though I have matured in that regard whereas he still has a lot more catching up to do.
This inevitably has led to a situation where I’ve been trying to guide my husband, whether by nudging him to forward a link for a better job, or by telling him to enroll in some self-development classes. While he welcomes that kind of nudging, it has created a serious unbalance in the relationship. I’m stressed out because I feel like I have to be responsible for not only myself, but for guiding him as well. And he is stressed out because not only is he pulling in way less in terms of income, but I’m constantly telling him what to do. This has essentially developed a major source of conflict for us, to the point of irreconcilability.
The reality of the situation is that even though he’s a fun-loving guy, he tries and means well, so I can’t possibly write him off as someone who is just plain lazy. On the other hand I’d also like to see a stronger partner on my side, so that I wouldn’t always have to initiate necessary appointments, etc.
So I guess my question is how to manage such differences in career and motivation? More importantly, when do you know that you are just plain incompatible and might as well not waste time on each other? The emotions are certainly still there because we have had many good memories together, but I just don’t want to "waste" my life living with someone who can’t inspire me.
You are under the impression that you are more correct than he is. Maybe you aren’t. Maybe leaving him to care for himself, instead of doing everything, will allow him to stand on his own (or not), but you’ll only be doing exactly what you want to.
My husband and I are dealing with some issues along these lines. I’ve backed way off and I’m letting him deal with things as he pleases more. My standards aren’t those of the world.
Maybe you need to relax. You can have high standards for yourself, but you don’t get tot set them for the whole world.
Marriage counseling is a really good idea.
