Work From Home

your question’s to long and i don’t wanna read .
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Out of everything you said, the domestic violence is such a huge issue compared to the rest, that I feel compelled to address only it. You live in the U.S. Domestic violence is a crime in the U.S. Call the police, have him arrested, don’t bail him out, and testify at his trial. While in prison, he may see the error of his ways.
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If you were rational while writing problems with him, your husband is mentally retard or not stable or not mature yet, better to leave him early than later. But think again if you were writing these just in anger. I feel some US settled Indians do not like their background and wives. Sorry to put everything in harsh word but that’s how I talk and write.
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Because I’m an American, I don’t understand how life is in India.

From my perspective I would say that you are doing nothing wrong. You don’t deserve to be treated as though you are less than your husband, and you don’t deserve to be physically and verbally abused.

For things to improve in your marriage, your husband would have to make some radical changes. I’m usually a very optimistic person, but I don’t see how your husband can overcome the lifetime accumulation of beliefs that led to his current behavior.

The other option is for you to become what he wants you to be. That will be very hard for someone with your level of intelligence and education. You will never be happy.

Can you get divorced in your country? Are you allowed to leave an abusive husband? If you can ~ perhaps you should.

Forgive some of the answers from my fellow Americans. They are spoken purely from an American perspective with no understanding of your culture. As you can see by their strong words, our women don’t tolerate abuse and mistreatment ~ nor should they.
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its tooooo long ….give brief
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Serious help. OK.

To decide on divorce, you don’t need serious help. The legal system takes it out of both your hands and does what it does. Serious help here doesn’t include telling you to divorce. You are smart enough to know what happens down that road.

Serious help means you are considering staying with him. How to do that?

Wow, you are one ambitious person to consider taking that on. That alone shows high quality. A little crazy, yes, but also high quality.

So let’s get to work. You have two things strongly in your favor. First, you admit the mistake and feel some responsibility for where you guys have ended up. That’s important. Get past the anger at him and yourself for the mistake. You didn’t break any laws. It was a really common mistake.

Second, you have clarity. But only for his bad side, not his good side or your good and bad sides.

That’s where you have to start. For every way he is bad, write down two good things. Same for you, bad and good.

You both have features of your personalities that could make this a good marriage. You’re both hard working, detail oriented, and driven to achieve high goals. The intensity (and it is intense) of his negativity usually shows up in a guy who doesn’t know how or is afraid to say he loves you intensely. Which I think he does. It sounds pretty twisted, but people are that way.

How to replace the bad things (not entirely, you guys are human) with good ones? Your guy is afraid of a close relationship. Period. I can smell the sweat of his fear way out here. He works to avoid being close to you…anybody actually. He uses "superiority" to hide behind like a little boy. On the other side of that wall, he’s weeping because he’s so horrible to you. He doesn’t know how to stop it. Pretty sad. He might lose you over that.

His "superiority" is rubbish compared to people who love and care for their family. Consider the superiority your family has in that.

He’s really a failure. A way needs to be found to re-direct some of his financial care into family care.

You won’t get any help from his parents. They probably drove him, praised him for becoming horrible to emotions but good at grades.

So here’s the serious help. Take your sheets of good and bad things about each other. Write a letter showing how much you believe in your marriage because of the many good things in him and you and how you love him (you do). Then tell him you are moving in with friends for one week. At the end of that week, you will meet him at a counselor, that you will make the appointment and be there even if he is not. That you want to work together so each of you can be better at being a spouse.

He will blow up. You stay calm and move out. Don’t respond to calls or emails except to confirm that he is going to show up at the counselor’s office on time. He will threaten divorce or file for it. You will have to have him respect your schedule, not his continuing blackmail and beat downs. It will be very tough. You might have to move home to Mumbai.

He either needs to start showing respect by showing up for counseling or I think you’ve got your answer about whether this can work. Wow, very tough road ahead. Good luck.
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